8 Things You MUST Never Tell Ugandan Police Officers When Arrested

Posted by: Eninu William in Life Style September 18, 2021

Ugandan men in uniform or rather, police officers can sometimes be a pain in the ass, especially when you meet them on the opposite side of the law. There is always that one bad cop and then there is a good one.

The bad one will be threatening to have you locked up over the weekend, while the “good” one pacifies the situation with “How much do you have, brother?” Whether in a heated or friendly talk with an officer, there are boundaries you don’t cross as afande can go to extraordinary lengths to prove he didn’t attend Police training school to wrestle posho and beans alone.

Here are 8 things you must never mention to typical Ugandan police officers when they arrest you.

I have IGP Ochola’s number

Try threatening a cop that you have the cellphone number of the Inspector General of Police or some general in the UPDF on speed dial. As you wait to drive off, the cop will dare you: “Okay, you call him now!” before dragging you by the belt, your toes scratching tarmac, to a waiting police Land Cruiser, if not a drone.

I will call my lawyer

Apart from the thunder of an AK47, an interrogation by a legal wizard in courtroom is something every cop dreads. But sometimes when you smell like a brewery after being stopped for exceeding the speed limit and you threaten to call your lawyer at 3am, these cops will play ball. First of all, if you have facial dents…meaning you know more crooks than legal minds, you will end up napping on a smelly floor at Kiira Police Station or any other station with smelly blankets full of bed bugs.

Do you know who my uncle is?

Being found in possession of “weed” yet you are threatening cops that your uncle can have them fired or transferred to Abim District, is the day you will learn that your uncle’s post as head of Awasi Borehole Fund in Kaberamaido cannot help you. “Who is your uncle again? If even Kayihura spent sometime behind bars, who exactly is this unknown uncle of yours. Throw him in the car.” the cop will shout back the order.

Show me your Work ID?

If you don’t understand what poking bees means, then try asking a cop for his job ID. If the cops are plain-clothed ones, you will immediately understand why God did not create gnarled balls for hard squeezing.

Don’t touch me!

General duty cops and those with tiny bodies love grasping offenders tightly from the back to prove they are tough. Try telling them, “Don’t touch me” and they will lift you like a garbage bin. However, they will immediately go easy when you whisper “Afande, I have something green in my left pocket!”

I know my rights!

Constitutional reviews gave us the chance to understand our rights. But try humouring a hungry cop with the “I know my rights” line yet you were drink-driving on a high way in the middle of the night.

7. Do you know who I am?

You are a lowly-paid waiter at Cafe Javas and here you are asking Afande Okot, “Do you know who I am?” when arrested for drinking after hours. Some cops don’t give a squirrel’s fart whether you are the Queen of England. They have been known to detain high-flying members of society. Re-read number three above.

8. Umesoma katiba wewe?

A majority of police officers might have not been bookworms, but taunting them with your knowledge of the 1995 Uganda Constitution may not go well. This is particularly when they have clear reasons of intending to make you share a cell with chokoras after showing them an expired driver’s licence.

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